Sepia-toned 917 Dominates Vintage Motor Race

On a track that went uphill in both directions, Paddy O'Moto carried a water pail to victory at this year's Monterey Historics, which are actually held in Salinas.

"I knew this color would be great for the middle-aged amateur photographer who regrets not getting into racing until later in life," said internationally renowned paint stylist Joey Lacascia. "Black and white is so mid-century."

The coffee table book-ready Porsche was never challenged, as motorsport Zeus, Paddy O'Moto, led the high speed parade from flag to flag.

"Dan [Gurney] and Niki [Lauda] got in my grill," said the racing legend who still looks great even without soft lighting. "But what they didn't know was that I took their Moms to the prom in this car."

A mid-race dust-up nearly cost O'Moto his victory.

"Mario got into me coming out of four. I had to pull him over," recounted O'Moto. "Then I realized, it's really hard to upshift when you're punching another legend in the face. I let him go only after he promised me another lasagna."

With this victory, O'Moto becomes the all-time winningest racer ever, surpassing himself in a previous life.

O'Moto Wins Dakar Rally in Irreplaceable '58 Testarossa

With esteemed car museum curator and navigator Tony Platt shouting directions and admonitions, esteemed racing legend Paddy O'Moto took top honors in the treacherous 2010 Dakar Rally.

Campaigning what an insurance adjuster conservatively called "The most expensive car in the world", O'Moto needed just one week to complete the two week event.

"We got a late start," explained the world's greatest racer through a greatness translator. "Those judges at the Concours d'Elegance take their own sweet time."

Having rested on a crushed velvet cushion surrounded by virgins since 1962, the Le Mans-winning Ferrari 250 TR had many paddock insiders skeptical:

"It has drum brakes and 50-year old suspension for goodness sake," said runner-up and first loser Carlos Sainz. "How did he lap me like that?"

"Well, I knew some of the indigenous tribes of South America really like their drums," answered O'Moto. "That short cut through the Amazon jungle was one big braking zone."

"It was tough at first," continued everyone's hero. "These old GT cars don't fly through the air so well. But once I apexed Cape Horn, I knew we had it in the bag."

"I just want to thank Team Two Micks and that nice lady who changed my oil in Lima."

Race engineer, race prodigy reunited after 36 years

New Director of Aerodynamics Must Be in Bed by 8:30, Mom Says

Correctly answering nine out of ten questions on your Wednesday morning math quiz usually won't get you a plum assignment in international motorsports. But acing that test after designing a state-of-the-art wind tunnel on a $7.50 budget sure will.

Such is the case for Two Micks Racing's new Director of Aerodynamics, Cameron McCanless. The 8-year old native Georgian, whose father once dropped a 396 Chrysler engine into a Volvo station wagon, is understandably still awed by the all the attention.

"It was just my science project until J.K. Rowling knocked on the door carrying a suitcase full of bottle rockets," said the third grader. "Apparently,  now I have to relocate to Woking. I hope Mom is cool with that."

McCanless's wind tunnel was assembled using salvaged items. The reducer was carefully crafted from discarded boxes and duct tape, a liquor store box with dividers became the air straightener, brazing rods acting as "trampeezes" held the Pinewood Derby test car, and a scale capable of measurements as small as .oo5N(5gf) was fashioned from melamine quadrant and a dry-erase marker.

A discarded box fan provides the "Big 4" wind velocities of 'Low', 'Medium', 'High' and 'Off'.

After emerging victorious from a bloody bidding war with Ferrari and McLaren, Two Mick's Racing chief, Michael McMahon, was all smiles: "The team is thrilled with our newest addition. We expect Cameron to help us win even more races, if that's possible after an undefeated season." 

"Paying him in Skittles and hugs can only help us in this challenging economy," he added.

"The kid is just incredible," chimed in racing's most accomplished throttle stylist, Paddy O'Moto. "Rumor has it he's inviting me to his GoKart-themed birthday party. I hope it's true and not just the press making stuff up again."

Accompanied by his new tutor — recently retired supermodel Bar Rafaeli, McCanless has already ditched class and departed for Two Micks Racing headquarters, according to a team spokesman.

The Nobel Prize in Physics-nomination is expected within the week. He would join O'Moto whose Nobel Prize for Sheer Awesomeness was awarded earlier this year.

Unofficial word from the FIA is that aero tests using McCanless's wind tunnel will be severely restricted unless Ferrari can have one, too.

"Michestone" Tire Combo Helps Clinch F1 Championship

"Paddy O'Moto wants to turn left on Bridgetones and turn right on Michelins. I'm not going to argue with him. Especially in Brazil."

So said Two Micks Racing chief, Michael McMahon, at the post-race press conference when asked how he was able to get the two largest and most competitive racing tire manufacturers to put aside their multi-billion dollar differences and construct cooperative rubber for O'Moto's championship clincher.

Nicknamed "The Bipartisan" by a cynical American press, the multinational tire package featured the best of both companies. The 'Stones were sticky for the lefts; and the Michelins poised on the rights. But the almost sexual chemistry between the tires was not fully realized until the long back straight of Interlagos, where O'Moto's TMR 2008.75 chassis,  topping 340 km/hr in the speed trap, reached a temperature previously thought possible only during a Teddy Pendergrass ballad.

"You know, honestly, with the conditions the way they were late race, I could have won on my lawn mower with the blade down," said the now 9-time World Champion. "The spray was just heinous. I thought they'd put in a lap pool. Still, it was great watching those two CEO's hug like that."

While the stewards will neither officially confirm nor deny the reported mid-race installation  of a swimming pool, local favorite Felipe Massa did finish second in the championship."

"I just want to thank God and my family," said the native Brazilian predictably.

With the 2008 season officially over, multiple world champion O'Moto heads north to defend his Iditarod title, after which he will almost certainly defeat his nephew at a Go-Cart-themed birthday party.

Paddy O'Moto Guts Todd Palin in Snowmobile Race

Frequent, bloody battles with the FIA have soured Paddy O'Moto on politics and its ensuing scrutiny. But in an election year, no one is safe from the media microscope; not even the world's most feared motorsportsman

Such was the case when O'Moto challenged Todd Palin, husband of Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, to a charity snowmobile race. 

"I'd never endorse a candidate unless she promised to eliminate all speed limits," said the current land-speed record holder. "But this guy Todd calls himself the "The First Dude of Alaska". I mean how do you not want to race a guy like that."

With all donations going to MAST (Mothers Against Speed Traps), the nearly 2000 mile competition traced the route of the Itiderod, the grueling, cross-state race that O'Moto and his team of genetically manipulated sled dogs have won a record eight times. (A 9th victory is under appeal.)

"Building a dog for the Itiderod is pretty simple," said Two Micks Racing Design Chief, Jonathan Mills. "We just make their paws bigger."

"But building a snowmobile to run with the likes of "Wolf" Palin took a couple of days,", he continued. "We even worked through lunch once."

The resulting machine was impressive to even the most seasoned of snow carvers. Using a heavily modified Polaris platform, Two Micks Racing engineers installed a 990cc  V-4 power plant capable of spinning up to 17,000 rpm and producing over 250 horsepower. Pirelli provided the tracks and calendars. A coal-fired afterburner made straight line speed a non-issue.

Winning was also non-issue. Two days into the race, O'Moto was three days ahead.

"We added another thousand miles, hoping he'd catch up," said Extreme Sports' newest superstar.  "I figured it'd give me a chance to take some nice panoramic shots and finish teaching that igloo building class."

Having been re-Christened "The Second Dude of Alaska", Todd Palin, in defeat, was gracious: "To be beaten by someone who's never lost is an honor. But I'm sending him back to Europe with some of my venison jerky. And since you can't make jerky fast, I know I've got that on him."

At press time, development of Paddy O'Moto's 9000-horsepower dehydrator, "The Big Jerk", was months ahead of schedule.

Equatorial Burnout Visible from Space

Fresh off his wins at Laguna Seca and the United Nations, motorsport luminary, Paddy O'Moto, celebrated another victory by circumnavigating the globe in history's first (and likely only) complete equatorial victory burnout. 

Starting and ending in the small, copper-exporting town of Macap
á, Brazil where he had decimated the field in the State Mining Car Finals, O'Moto's smoky celebration covered nearly 25,000 miles. Only a brief detour south to rekindle a relationship with Brazilian supermodel Ana Beatriz Barros, kept him from finishing in under 250 hours.

"I use the mining car events to improve my braking awareness," said P-Moto, as he's referred to by the hipper kids in some inner city neighborhoods. "You can only late-brake so much when there's a half mile of blackness under your wheels."

A 1969 Bultaco "El Bandido" 350, graciously made available by a local farmer, was used to create the earth-circling rubber smear. 

"It runs better now than it did when I lent him the dern thing," the farmer said in Portuguese. 

Logistics were handled with the precision expected of Two Mick's Racing. Playing the role of blocker was Minister of Foreign Affairs, Cary Savas, who either secured the necessary visas or rammed the border crossings. Warning shots from various navies were wholly ignored. Packs of cheetahs were routinely dusted during the Africa leg. And O'Moto himself made turkey sandwiches with his left hand so has not to disturb the machinations of his right. 

Tire smoke delayed air traffic in both hemispheres, but surfers in several coastal regions reported then appreciated low-level tsunamis.

A chorus of unapprised skepticism regarding the feat groundswelled in freshman engineering classes worldwide. However, it was ruthlessly shushed by Two Micks Racing's Technical Director, Bart Stebbins: "We'll call it an unofficial tire test. The wet Belgian Grand Prix this year was nearly disastrous because we came close to not even lapping the field. So since Spa, we've been working with Bridgestone on a proprietary tread pattern. We've named it "Red Tread",  and let's just say it displaces a heckuva lot of water."

Less concerned about the plausibility of the achievement was noted activist, Sierra Love who likened "this catastrophe" to "permanent marker on a recycled hemp skirt" and "bacon in my quinoa." 

China, whose Great Wall previously held the distinction of being "the only man made object visible from space", has threatened to censor next year's Chinese Grand Prix.

Paddy O'Moto moves on to Fuji this weekend where he hopes to take the Japanese Grand Prix  for a record 8th time.