Paddy O'Moto Guts Todd Palin in Snowmobile Race

Frequent, bloody battles with the FIA have soured Paddy O'Moto on politics and its ensuing scrutiny. But in an election year, no one is safe from the media microscope; not even the world's most feared motorsportsman

Such was the case when O'Moto challenged Todd Palin, husband of Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, to a charity snowmobile race. 

"I'd never endorse a candidate unless she promised to eliminate all speed limits," said the current land-speed record holder. "But this guy Todd calls himself the "The First Dude of Alaska". I mean how do you not want to race a guy like that."

With all donations going to MAST (Mothers Against Speed Traps), the nearly 2000 mile competition traced the route of the Itiderod, the grueling, cross-state race that O'Moto and his team of genetically manipulated sled dogs have won a record eight times. (A 9th victory is under appeal.)

"Building a dog for the Itiderod is pretty simple," said Two Micks Racing Design Chief, Jonathan Mills. "We just make their paws bigger."

"But building a snowmobile to run with the likes of "Wolf" Palin took a couple of days,", he continued. "We even worked through lunch once."

The resulting machine was impressive to even the most seasoned of snow carvers. Using a heavily modified Polaris platform, Two Micks Racing engineers installed a 990cc  V-4 power plant capable of spinning up to 17,000 rpm and producing over 250 horsepower. Pirelli provided the tracks and calendars. A coal-fired afterburner made straight line speed a non-issue.

Winning was also non-issue. Two days into the race, O'Moto was three days ahead.

"We added another thousand miles, hoping he'd catch up," said Extreme Sports' newest superstar.  "I figured it'd give me a chance to take some nice panoramic shots and finish teaching that igloo building class."

Having been re-Christened "The Second Dude of Alaska", Todd Palin, in defeat, was gracious: "To be beaten by someone who's never lost is an honor. But I'm sending him back to Europe with some of my venison jerky. And since you can't make jerky fast, I know I've got that on him."

At press time, development of Paddy O'Moto's 9000-horsepower dehydrator, "The Big Jerk", was months ahead of schedule.

Dreams crushed at local playground

Little Johnny Sneed won't be pursuing his dreams of becoming an AMA roadracing champion and has sullenly retrieved his clarinet from its dusty, abandoned case. This after a surprise visit to Floyd McCanless, Jr. Memorial Park by international racing megastar, P. O'Moto. 

"I began my career on spring rider playground toys," said the current F1, MotoGP, World Superbike, World Rally, and Monster Truck champion. "I don't want to discourage the kiddies, but reality is like getting bitten by your dog.  It's inevitable and it always leaves a mark."

Johnny was not as philosophical, as his goal of one day claiming a Superbike title was dashed by O'Moto's astonishing display of bouncy skills. "I was, like, the best here for the last two summers. But Mr. O'Moto rode that Panda like it wasn't even endangered. I'm going home."

"My spring-awareness is a skill I don't take lightly," said P, signing autographs for Sneed's former fans. "It's definitely part of my weekly training regimen."

Sadly for Little Johnny Sneed, O'Moto's Grammy-winning album of clarinet concertos has just been re-mastered and released to universal critical acclaim.

*No pandas were injured in the writing of this article.

O'Moto puts pit bike on front row at San Marino Grand Prix

After crashing his #1 and #2 bikes in the Saturday stunt show, P. O'Moto used his girlfriend's bone-stock '59 Lambreta TV175 to hold off all but two of his bitter rivals in the fight for pole position at this weekend's MotoGP San Marino Grand Prix at Misano.

"I'd yanked this horn mono up the front straight when one of Adriana's heels got caught in the rear brake rotor," said O'Moto, pausing for a sip of Red Bull Moto, the energy drink released this week to much fanfare. "When she did it again, I told her she couldn't ride with me anymore. Thankfully, she let me borrow her scooter for qualifying while she was getting checked out at the Clinica Mobile."

P would have had pole had he not suffered an uncharacteristic wobble coming out of Tramonto, the hairpin leading onto the back straight. "I got on it a little early," he said. "I like to get the wheel spinning right there, but when the threads are showing like they have been for the last few months, you really have to just let it do what's it's gonna do."

The long-shuttered Lambretta factory has quickly re-opened and is scrambing to fill orders from various unnamed MotoGP teams.

Ms. Lima is recovering from heel replacement surgery.