High Speed Chase Ends With Autographs, Hugs

In what producers of 'World's Wildest Police Videos' are calling the "fastest, most daring high speed chase on record and an absolute ratings bonanza", motorsport supernova, Paddy O'Moto, today led state & local law enforcement officers on a wildly expeditious pursuit that regularly exceeded 200 miles per hour.

"Fall colors are prettier when they're blurry," said O'Moto, a noted collector of Impressionist art. "But I only topped out at 220 'cuz my Michelins started smoking like a soccer mom at Burning Man. For my next felony endangerment charge, I'll be running Bridgestones." 

Very late for the opening practice session of the AMA Superbike finale at Laguna Seca, Paddy O'Moto used a Two Micks Racing-tuned Bugatti Veyron to outwit his gun-toting rivals. Making the feat even more remarkable is our knowledge that O'Moto had just flown in from Singapore, where he'd used an in-house developed, g-force certified night vision goggle package to qualify on pole for Formula One's very first night race. 

Reportedly assisted with driving directions by a blind local disc jockey, Mr. O'Moto's twisting, turning escape route from the Petaluma Municipal Airport to the front gates of Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca covered more than 230 miles, some of them upside down. 

"When I saw those National Guard tanks inside the Caldicot Tunnel, I figured I needed to test the new down-force package we've been working on since Catalunya," said Paddy. "It wasn't flawless anti-gravity execution, but I did high-five that gunman in his turret." 

Upon arriving in pastoral Salinas, Paddy was greeted surprisingly not with pepper spray and shotguns, but with popping flashbulbs and gushing lawmen. "We're not going to arrest him because he stopped at every school crossing and gave such high praise to our California roads," said CHiP spokesperson E. Estrada. "You can't buy that kind of publicity."

Only O'Moto's right foot was photographed and fingerprinted, leaving his hands free to sign autographs. 

"I had to hitchhike down here to see this," said Jamal Berkeley, whose new Ducati 1098R had been politely commandeered by O'Moto mid-chase. "What a cool guy, he even got it detailed for me."

Using the bone stock, Italian streetbike, O'Moto shattered the Laguna Seca track record on his second lap of the session.

In a late-breaking and related story, French tire giant Michelin declared bankruptcy and is currently waving the white flag of debt relief.

Confident Of Victory, O'Moto Signals For The Check

Perhaps inspired by Babe Ruth's famous "Called Shot" home-run, racing gazillionaire P. O'Moto, tested the mettle of his rivals this weekend on the starting grid of the AMA Superbike Showdown at Road Atlanta. After completing a full, rolling, warm-up lap burnout that ended precisely on his pole-position grid square, O'Moto lifted a single finger, as if to say, "Gotta go". The start was delayed as confused race officials, attempting to jump the pitwall and bring a bottle of champagne to the motorsports icon, were stopped then detained by O'Moto's security detail.

"There're a bunch of fast ol' Georgia boys in this race, so I needed to get in their heads a little bit," commented O'Moto from victory circle, sipping the peach brandy he'd discovered in the woods after stopping to relieve himself on lap 4. "I knew it'd worked when Yates killed his motor and Lynn took his helmet off."

"Damn, this stuff is good," slurred O'Moto after what local journalists reported was only his third sip. "Didju see the size of that chicken? Get 'em!"

At press time, Mr. O'Moto's whereabouts are unknown, but unconfirmed reports placed him in a properly-inflated Goodyear inner tube at Lake Lanier's infamous "Cocktail Grotto".

In a related story, Goodyear has just been contracted to provide tires for four Formula 1 teams next year.

Dreams crushed at local playground

Little Johnny Sneed won't be pursuing his dreams of becoming an AMA roadracing champion and has sullenly retrieved his clarinet from its dusty, abandoned case. This after a surprise visit to Floyd McCanless, Jr. Memorial Park by international racing megastar, P. O'Moto. 

"I began my career on spring rider playground toys," said the current F1, MotoGP, World Superbike, World Rally, and Monster Truck champion. "I don't want to discourage the kiddies, but reality is like getting bitten by your dog.  It's inevitable and it always leaves a mark."

Johnny was not as philosophical, as his goal of one day claiming a Superbike title was dashed by O'Moto's astonishing display of bouncy skills. "I was, like, the best here for the last two summers. But Mr. O'Moto rode that Panda like it wasn't even endangered. I'm going home."

"My spring-awareness is a skill I don't take lightly," said P, signing autographs for Sneed's former fans. "It's definitely part of my weekly training regimen."

Sadly for Little Johnny Sneed, O'Moto's Grammy-winning album of clarinet concertos has just been re-mastered and released to universal critical acclaim.

*No pandas were injured in the writing of this article.