O'Moto Breaks Lap Record In Pace Car, As Passenger

With his race car held captive in pit lane by a jilted, bitter Gisele Bundchen -- yet another supermodel refusing to remove herself from his cockpit on race day -- motorsport superlegend, P. O'Moto, was forced to hitch a ride in the AMG Mercedes pace car for the sighting lap of this weekend's Italian Grand Prix at Monza.

Hanging half of his chiseled body from the moonroof of the race-prepped SL 63 and waving selflessly to his legion of Italian fans, O'Moto still managed to shout instructions to his driver -- local UPS standout, Max Biaggi. By squaring off the last corner and then drafting a stationary Giancarlo Fisichella who had stalled on the grid, O'Moto and Biaggi were able to shave 6/100th off the lap record. No easy feat in the rain.

"I won the World Rally Championship a couple of times way back when," said O'Moto, laughing all the way to the bank. "My navigation skills are underestimated, much to the detriment of my rivals."

Biaggi, a former four-time 250 motorcycle Grand Prix champion and Driver-of-the-Month award winner (February '05) was thrilled to be part of the historic day. "For sure, I'm excited Mr. O'Moto was able to set this record at my home track," exclaimed the Rome native. "But better for me and my family, he wants me to be his regular chauffeur now."

O'Moto has promised to replicate the feat at next week's Singapore Grand Prix.

"With my hands free, I can text my qualifying time to the NASCAR boys," he said. "Should save me a trip."

O'Moto Appeals Victory; Demands Entire Podium

No one can be sure whether it was the torrential rain or his rivals' bitter tears that pounded the storied tarmac of Monza last Sunday, as Italy's favorite adopted stepson, P. O'Moto, not only displaced hundreds of gallons of water per lap but casually dispatched the dreams of the other championship contenders.

Yet the treacherously wet conditions weren't the biggest story of the weekend. Rather, it was Paddy O'Moto's landmark appeal of his win that made above-the-fold headlines around the world -- an appeal that demanded he occupy not only the top step of the podium but tiers two and three, as well. 

Having lapped the "2nd" place finisher for the fourth time, O'Moto disintegrated his new TMR-2008.5 while performing the first-ever victory 'stoppie', resulting in his special carbon-pasta chassis crossing the start/finish line in three distinct pieces. The resulting debris caused a black flag, preventing any of the other competitors from finishing.

"I lost my left pinky in the crash," said an obviously irritated O'Moto. "So, technically I should get 4th place, too. It's a no-brainer."

Formula One supremo, Bernie Ecclestone, later commented timidly: "What do you want me to do? He's dating my daughter."

What insiders are calling "a swarm" of lawyers have descended on the offices of embattled FIA president, Max Mosley, bearing sworn statements and incriminating photos. The hearing is set for Monday.

Radical new front wing allows first ever F1 victory wheelie

The long front straight at Monza will never be the same after P. O'Moto performed the first ever wheelie in a Formula One car, crossing the start/finish line on two wheels and nearly three laps clear of his nearest rival.

"It was pretty cool," O'Moto stated, succinctly and brilliantly, holding court in his triple-wide RV that usually requires the exclusive use of two lanes of freeway traffic.

And pretty cool it was. Taking spare parts from an old window air conditioning unit he found at one of his many rental properties, O'Moto worked closely with his aero crew to design a wing that had eluded the top minds at Ferrari and McLaren for decades. 

"Simple stuff actually," P yawned. "Once we bought a new fan belt and turned the dial to 'Recirculate', it pretty much took care of itself.

At press time, Trane and EnergyWise are in a heated bidding war for sponsorship rights to the new wing.

Silly Season Even Sillier for a Racer with My Skills

Relaxing after winning the inaugural F1 Grand Prix of Valencia by 30 seconds, it struck me how scary this time of the year is for racers possessing lesser skills than I. Here I am, sipping a '72 Chateauneuf du Pape (that's 1872) in the section of my ten thousand acre backyard that is a full-scale replica of Monaco, and wondering what World Championships next year will be graced by my otherworldly grasp of throttle, brake, apex and umbrella girl. My manager fills my inbox daily with pleading invitations from Ferrari, McClaren, Yamaha and Lloyd's HVAC Dirt Track Warriors. But what about the mid-packers? They'll be lucky enough to line up on one grid next year, let alone 5, like I plan to do. And knowing that no team will commit to another driver/rider until I have made my decision, the other guys are stuck waiting, missing testing, and missing mortgage payments. 

Still, I have to do what's right for me and my organization. You know us as Two Micks Racing. We call it The Bank

Gotta run. Ron Dennis is dropping off his wife and a suitcase full of cash.

More later.