New Director of Aerodynamics Must Be in Bed by 8:30, Mom Says

Correctly answering nine out of ten questions on your Wednesday morning math quiz usually won't get you a plum assignment in international motorsports. But acing that test after designing a state-of-the-art wind tunnel on a $7.50 budget sure will.

Such is the case for Two Micks Racing's new Director of Aerodynamics, Cameron McCanless. The 8-year old native Georgian, whose father once dropped a 396 Chrysler engine into a Volvo station wagon, is understandably still awed by the all the attention.

"It was just my science project until J.K. Rowling knocked on the door carrying a suitcase full of bottle rockets," said the third grader. "Apparently,  now I have to relocate to Woking. I hope Mom is cool with that."

McCanless's wind tunnel was assembled using salvaged items. The reducer was carefully crafted from discarded boxes and duct tape, a liquor store box with dividers became the air straightener, brazing rods acting as "trampeezes" held the Pinewood Derby test car, and a scale capable of measurements as small as .oo5N(5gf) was fashioned from melamine quadrant and a dry-erase marker.

A discarded box fan provides the "Big 4" wind velocities of 'Low', 'Medium', 'High' and 'Off'.

After emerging victorious from a bloody bidding war with Ferrari and McLaren, Two Mick's Racing chief, Michael McMahon, was all smiles: "The team is thrilled with our newest addition. We expect Cameron to help us win even more races, if that's possible after an undefeated season." 

"Paying him in Skittles and hugs can only help us in this challenging economy," he added.

"The kid is just incredible," chimed in racing's most accomplished throttle stylist, Paddy O'Moto. "Rumor has it he's inviting me to his GoKart-themed birthday party. I hope it's true and not just the press making stuff up again."

Accompanied by his new tutor — recently retired supermodel Bar Rafaeli, McCanless has already ditched class and departed for Two Micks Racing headquarters, according to a team spokesman.

The Nobel Prize in Physics-nomination is expected within the week. He would join O'Moto whose Nobel Prize for Sheer Awesomeness was awarded earlier this year.

Unofficial word from the FIA is that aero tests using McCanless's wind tunnel will be severely restricted unless Ferrari can have one, too.

Equatorial Burnout Visible from Space

Fresh off his wins at Laguna Seca and the United Nations, motorsport luminary, Paddy O'Moto, celebrated another victory by circumnavigating the globe in history's first (and likely only) complete equatorial victory burnout. 

Starting and ending in the small, copper-exporting town of Macap
á, Brazil where he had decimated the field in the State Mining Car Finals, O'Moto's smoky celebration covered nearly 25,000 miles. Only a brief detour south to rekindle a relationship with Brazilian supermodel Ana Beatriz Barros, kept him from finishing in under 250 hours.

"I use the mining car events to improve my braking awareness," said P-Moto, as he's referred to by the hipper kids in some inner city neighborhoods. "You can only late-brake so much when there's a half mile of blackness under your wheels."

A 1969 Bultaco "El Bandido" 350, graciously made available by a local farmer, was used to create the earth-circling rubber smear. 

"It runs better now than it did when I lent him the dern thing," the farmer said in Portuguese. 

Logistics were handled with the precision expected of Two Mick's Racing. Playing the role of blocker was Minister of Foreign Affairs, Cary Savas, who either secured the necessary visas or rammed the border crossings. Warning shots from various navies were wholly ignored. Packs of cheetahs were routinely dusted during the Africa leg. And O'Moto himself made turkey sandwiches with his left hand so has not to disturb the machinations of his right. 

Tire smoke delayed air traffic in both hemispheres, but surfers in several coastal regions reported then appreciated low-level tsunamis.

A chorus of unapprised skepticism regarding the feat groundswelled in freshman engineering classes worldwide. However, it was ruthlessly shushed by Two Micks Racing's Technical Director, Bart Stebbins: "We'll call it an unofficial tire test. The wet Belgian Grand Prix this year was nearly disastrous because we came close to not even lapping the field. So since Spa, we've been working with Bridgestone on a proprietary tread pattern. We've named it "Red Tread",  and let's just say it displaces a heckuva lot of water."

Less concerned about the plausibility of the achievement was noted activist, Sierra Love who likened "this catastrophe" to "permanent marker on a recycled hemp skirt" and "bacon in my quinoa." 

China, whose Great Wall previously held the distinction of being "the only man made object visible from space", has threatened to censor next year's Chinese Grand Prix.

Paddy O'Moto moves on to Fuji this weekend where he hopes to take the Japanese Grand Prix  for a record 8th time.

Emergency Session of U.N. Velocity Council Convened

A dazzling, unprecedented string of victories for Paddy O'Moto has forced an emergency meeting of the United Nations Velocity Council. 

The undefeatable racing paladin took wins this weekend at three circuits on two continents. First up was Singapore, where O'Moto used a proprietary battery of Maglights to vanquish his competitors at Formula One's first ever night race. He skipped the press conference and hopped a ferry to Motegi for the Japanese Grand Prix, but stormy seas and a paparazzi ambush forced him to start the race two laps down. Luckily, Goodyear's experimental 'roof tar' compound gave him the extra grip to not only catch his MotoGP rivals but make a stunning last lap pass on the brakes. One Red Bull-fueled flight and police chase later saw him arrive at storied Laguna Seca for the AMA Superbike Finale, where a mid-race nap almost almost cost him the victory.

"I love my country and all, but hearing your national anthem that many times in a day can get really tedious," said the surprisingly alert horsepower icon. "Now I can't get the darn song out of my head. I think I'm going to become a citizen of the Rolling Stones."

But O'Moto's spectacular hat-trick of victories raised eyebrows in the halls of bureaucratic power. The U.N. Velocity Council — last convened when Sterling Moss trounced popular World Champion, Juan Manuel Fangio, by nearly half an hour at the 1955 Mille Miglia — is currently gathered in a closed-door emergency session discussing the possibility of voting on a resolution that will clearly outline their intention of handing the matter over to a committee who will debate the merits of issuing a statement to confirm that they are considering the idea of addressing the matter formally. 

U.N. Velocity Council representatives from the permanent member countries of Italy, Italy, Italy, Brazil, Great Britain, Brazil, Spain, Italy, Mario Andretti and Italy had not returned calls at press time.

O'Moto Breaks Lap Record In Pace Car, As Passenger

With his race car held captive in pit lane by a jilted, bitter Gisele Bundchen -- yet another supermodel refusing to remove herself from his cockpit on race day -- motorsport superlegend, P. O'Moto, was forced to hitch a ride in the AMG Mercedes pace car for the sighting lap of this weekend's Italian Grand Prix at Monza.

Hanging half of his chiseled body from the moonroof of the race-prepped SL 63 and waving selflessly to his legion of Italian fans, O'Moto still managed to shout instructions to his driver -- local UPS standout, Max Biaggi. By squaring off the last corner and then drafting a stationary Giancarlo Fisichella who had stalled on the grid, O'Moto and Biaggi were able to shave 6/100th off the lap record. No easy feat in the rain.

"I won the World Rally Championship a couple of times way back when," said O'Moto, laughing all the way to the bank. "My navigation skills are underestimated, much to the detriment of my rivals."

Biaggi, a former four-time 250 motorcycle Grand Prix champion and Driver-of-the-Month award winner (February '05) was thrilled to be part of the historic day. "For sure, I'm excited Mr. O'Moto was able to set this record at my home track," exclaimed the Rome native. "But better for me and my family, he wants me to be his regular chauffeur now."

O'Moto has promised to replicate the feat at next week's Singapore Grand Prix.

"With my hands free, I can text my qualifying time to the NASCAR boys," he said. "Should save me a trip."

Two Micks Racing mulls jet purchase

Two Micks Racing, the commercial, developmental, promotional and spiritual arm of motorsport uberstar P. O'Moto's global racing empire, is said to be considering the addition of another jet to its fleet. Already possessing an  impressive collection worthy of its own regional airline, Two Micks Racing has long been rumored to be in the market for a plane that will carry its other planes.

"We're negotiating with the French to be the first private owner of the new Airbus B1GA55," team CEO, Michael "The Irish Hand Grenade" McMahon confirmed from his office on the top floor of the world's tallest building. "Not only will it carry all of our racing machinery, it has a special lead-lined workshop that will allow our team of engineers to continue development of the NuclearDiesel hybrid rotary engine we are preparing for next year's 24 Hours of Le Mans."

In addition to the hangar-sized storage area and garage, the special order jet is believed to contain a three-level nightclub, Pink Berry stand and a faithful replica of Enzo Ferrari's office.

"If the French surrender it on time, I'll land her on the front straight at Magny-Cours right before we grid up for the French GP," said McMahon hopefully. "Who knows if they'll finish. We'll probably have to build it ourselves."

Radical new front wing allows first ever F1 victory wheelie

The long front straight at Monza will never be the same after P. O'Moto performed the first ever wheelie in a Formula One car, crossing the start/finish line on two wheels and nearly three laps clear of his nearest rival.

"It was pretty cool," O'Moto stated, succinctly and brilliantly, holding court in his triple-wide RV that usually requires the exclusive use of two lanes of freeway traffic.

And pretty cool it was. Taking spare parts from an old window air conditioning unit he found at one of his many rental properties, O'Moto worked closely with his aero crew to design a wing that had eluded the top minds at Ferrari and McLaren for decades. 

"Simple stuff actually," P yawned. "Once we bought a new fan belt and turned the dial to 'Recirculate', it pretty much took care of itself.

At press time, Trane and EnergyWise are in a heated bidding war for sponsorship rights to the new wing.