Equatorial Burnout Visible from Space

Fresh off his wins at Laguna Seca and the United Nations, motorsport luminary, Paddy O'Moto, celebrated another victory by circumnavigating the globe in history's first (and likely only) complete equatorial victory burnout. 

Starting and ending in the small, copper-exporting town of Macap
á, Brazil where he had decimated the field in the State Mining Car Finals, O'Moto's smoky celebration covered nearly 25,000 miles. Only a brief detour south to rekindle a relationship with Brazilian supermodel Ana Beatriz Barros, kept him from finishing in under 250 hours.

"I use the mining car events to improve my braking awareness," said P-Moto, as he's referred to by the hipper kids in some inner city neighborhoods. "You can only late-brake so much when there's a half mile of blackness under your wheels."

A 1969 Bultaco "El Bandido" 350, graciously made available by a local farmer, was used to create the earth-circling rubber smear. 

"It runs better now than it did when I lent him the dern thing," the farmer said in Portuguese. 

Logistics were handled with the precision expected of Two Mick's Racing. Playing the role of blocker was Minister of Foreign Affairs, Cary Savas, who either secured the necessary visas or rammed the border crossings. Warning shots from various navies were wholly ignored. Packs of cheetahs were routinely dusted during the Africa leg. And O'Moto himself made turkey sandwiches with his left hand so has not to disturb the machinations of his right. 

Tire smoke delayed air traffic in both hemispheres, but surfers in several coastal regions reported then appreciated low-level tsunamis.

A chorus of unapprised skepticism regarding the feat groundswelled in freshman engineering classes worldwide. However, it was ruthlessly shushed by Two Micks Racing's Technical Director, Bart Stebbins: "We'll call it an unofficial tire test. The wet Belgian Grand Prix this year was nearly disastrous because we came close to not even lapping the field. So since Spa, we've been working with Bridgestone on a proprietary tread pattern. We've named it "Red Tread",  and let's just say it displaces a heckuva lot of water."

Less concerned about the plausibility of the achievement was noted activist, Sierra Love who likened "this catastrophe" to "permanent marker on a recycled hemp skirt" and "bacon in my quinoa." 

China, whose Great Wall previously held the distinction of being "the only man made object visible from space", has threatened to censor next year's Chinese Grand Prix.

Paddy O'Moto moves on to Fuji this weekend where he hopes to take the Japanese Grand Prix  for a record 8th time.

Emergency Session of U.N. Velocity Council Convened

A dazzling, unprecedented string of victories for Paddy O'Moto has forced an emergency meeting of the United Nations Velocity Council. 

The undefeatable racing paladin took wins this weekend at three circuits on two continents. First up was Singapore, where O'Moto used a proprietary battery of Maglights to vanquish his competitors at Formula One's first ever night race. He skipped the press conference and hopped a ferry to Motegi for the Japanese Grand Prix, but stormy seas and a paparazzi ambush forced him to start the race two laps down. Luckily, Goodyear's experimental 'roof tar' compound gave him the extra grip to not only catch his MotoGP rivals but make a stunning last lap pass on the brakes. One Red Bull-fueled flight and police chase later saw him arrive at storied Laguna Seca for the AMA Superbike Finale, where a mid-race nap almost almost cost him the victory.

"I love my country and all, but hearing your national anthem that many times in a day can get really tedious," said the surprisingly alert horsepower icon. "Now I can't get the darn song out of my head. I think I'm going to become a citizen of the Rolling Stones."

But O'Moto's spectacular hat-trick of victories raised eyebrows in the halls of bureaucratic power. The U.N. Velocity Council — last convened when Sterling Moss trounced popular World Champion, Juan Manuel Fangio, by nearly half an hour at the 1955 Mille Miglia — is currently gathered in a closed-door emergency session discussing the possibility of voting on a resolution that will clearly outline their intention of handing the matter over to a committee who will debate the merits of issuing a statement to confirm that they are considering the idea of addressing the matter formally. 

U.N. Velocity Council representatives from the permanent member countries of Italy, Italy, Italy, Brazil, Great Britain, Brazil, Spain, Italy, Mario Andretti and Italy had not returned calls at press time.

High Speed Chase Ends With Autographs, Hugs

In what producers of 'World's Wildest Police Videos' are calling the "fastest, most daring high speed chase on record and an absolute ratings bonanza", motorsport supernova, Paddy O'Moto, today led state & local law enforcement officers on a wildly expeditious pursuit that regularly exceeded 200 miles per hour.

"Fall colors are prettier when they're blurry," said O'Moto, a noted collector of Impressionist art. "But I only topped out at 220 'cuz my Michelins started smoking like a soccer mom at Burning Man. For my next felony endangerment charge, I'll be running Bridgestones." 

Very late for the opening practice session of the AMA Superbike finale at Laguna Seca, Paddy O'Moto used a Two Micks Racing-tuned Bugatti Veyron to outwit his gun-toting rivals. Making the feat even more remarkable is our knowledge that O'Moto had just flown in from Singapore, where he'd used an in-house developed, g-force certified night vision goggle package to qualify on pole for Formula One's very first night race. 

Reportedly assisted with driving directions by a blind local disc jockey, Mr. O'Moto's twisting, turning escape route from the Petaluma Municipal Airport to the front gates of Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca covered more than 230 miles, some of them upside down. 

"When I saw those National Guard tanks inside the Caldicot Tunnel, I figured I needed to test the new down-force package we've been working on since Catalunya," said Paddy. "It wasn't flawless anti-gravity execution, but I did high-five that gunman in his turret." 

Upon arriving in pastoral Salinas, Paddy was greeted surprisingly not with pepper spray and shotguns, but with popping flashbulbs and gushing lawmen. "We're not going to arrest him because he stopped at every school crossing and gave such high praise to our California roads," said CHiP spokesperson E. Estrada. "You can't buy that kind of publicity."

Only O'Moto's right foot was photographed and fingerprinted, leaving his hands free to sign autographs. 

"I had to hitchhike down here to see this," said Jamal Berkeley, whose new Ducati 1098R had been politely commandeered by O'Moto mid-chase. "What a cool guy, he even got it detailed for me."

Using the bone stock, Italian streetbike, O'Moto shattered the Laguna Seca track record on his second lap of the session.

In a late-breaking and related story, French tire giant Michelin declared bankruptcy and is currently waving the white flag of debt relief.

O'Moto Even Winning the Rat Race

Sources close to 'the Man' reveal exclusively to this web log that international racing gigastar, Paddy O'Moto, has pulled out a substantial lead in the allegorical, yet highly competitive, Rat

Race.

Once the exclusive domain of young, scrupleless lawyers and vapid but earnest advertising executives, the world's most celebrated motorsport stylist is now burning a smoking rubber stripe across the pasty flanks of professional professionals everywhere. And while no qualitative measurement exists for this type of competition, they say Paddy O'Moto has gone farther faster than anyone since John F. Kennedy. 

The national T.H.E.Y. spokesperson, I.M. Inahuri, issued the following official statement from his alternate Blackberry, although he was extremely busy: 

"While our bylaws prevent us from ever declaring an actual winner, Mr. O'Moto's recent accomplishments have exceeded even those of that one guy who made partner before he was 25. Just last week, while shouting instructions to his broker who was strapped to the hood selling AIG stock short, Paddy was able to grab pole position for the Camping World RV 400 at Dover International Speedway; all the while successfully lobbying Congress to table their vote on decreasing the interstate speed limit. The fact that he used his cool-down lap to instant message his tire preferences to the Bridgestone engineers in Singapore made it very clear to us that this kid  is on the fast track to success."

Mr. O'Moto, who was picking up his girlfriend's kids from soccer practice and unavailable for comment, soon hopes to set an unbreakable lap record around the vicious circle.

MotoGP Champion Dominates Regional Unicycle Competition

Confirming his mastery on any number of wheels, iconic race hero, Paddy O'Moto, stamped a big 'P' onto the forehead of unicyclists worldwide. 

Just days after securing an entirely expected victory at the inaugural Red Bull Indianapolis Grand Prix, the world's reigning motorcycle champion found himself stranded in a cornfield just outside of Owensboro, KY, his ethanol-powered megajet unresponsive to the local brew.

"The refined corn we use to fuel our engines usually has a lot more melted butter in it," said Two Micks Racing technical director and noted foodie, Bart "The Troubadour" Stebbins. "These Mid-Westerners are on some kind of health kick or something."

With his departure delayed and his fourth autobiography just hitting bookstore shelves, P. O'Moto elected to train for this weekend's first Formula One night race by entering the regional qualifier for the State Unicycle Championship. Open to all ages, the local one-wheel race has been the highlight of the Daviess County Fair since 1822.

Utilizing the vast resources of Two Micks Engineering, O'Moto not only decimated his newly embittered rivals (some carrying children and picnic baskets) but also performed the first ever unicycle wheelie, a feat previously and subsequently thought to be impossible.

Former winner and local hero, Nicky Hayden, grinned but was unavailable for comment.

O'Moto Breaks Lap Record In Pace Car, As Passenger

With his race car held captive in pit lane by a jilted, bitter Gisele Bundchen -- yet another supermodel refusing to remove herself from his cockpit on race day -- motorsport superlegend, P. O'Moto, was forced to hitch a ride in the AMG Mercedes pace car for the sighting lap of this weekend's Italian Grand Prix at Monza.

Hanging half of his chiseled body from the moonroof of the race-prepped SL 63 and waving selflessly to his legion of Italian fans, O'Moto still managed to shout instructions to his driver -- local UPS standout, Max Biaggi. By squaring off the last corner and then drafting a stationary Giancarlo Fisichella who had stalled on the grid, O'Moto and Biaggi were able to shave 6/100th off the lap record. No easy feat in the rain.

"I won the World Rally Championship a couple of times way back when," said O'Moto, laughing all the way to the bank. "My navigation skills are underestimated, much to the detriment of my rivals."

Biaggi, a former four-time 250 motorcycle Grand Prix champion and Driver-of-the-Month award winner (February '05) was thrilled to be part of the historic day. "For sure, I'm excited Mr. O'Moto was able to set this record at my home track," exclaimed the Rome native. "But better for me and my family, he wants me to be his regular chauffeur now."

O'Moto has promised to replicate the feat at next week's Singapore Grand Prix.

"With my hands free, I can text my qualifying time to the NASCAR boys," he said. "Should save me a trip."

O'Moto Appeals Victory; Demands Entire Podium

No one can be sure whether it was the torrential rain or his rivals' bitter tears that pounded the storied tarmac of Monza last Sunday, as Italy's favorite adopted stepson, P. O'Moto, not only displaced hundreds of gallons of water per lap but casually dispatched the dreams of the other championship contenders.

Yet the treacherously wet conditions weren't the biggest story of the weekend. Rather, it was Paddy O'Moto's landmark appeal of his win that made above-the-fold headlines around the world -- an appeal that demanded he occupy not only the top step of the podium but tiers two and three, as well. 

Having lapped the "2nd" place finisher for the fourth time, O'Moto disintegrated his new TMR-2008.5 while performing the first-ever victory 'stoppie', resulting in his special carbon-pasta chassis crossing the start/finish line in three distinct pieces. The resulting debris caused a black flag, preventing any of the other competitors from finishing.

"I lost my left pinky in the crash," said an obviously irritated O'Moto. "So, technically I should get 4th place, too. It's a no-brainer."

Formula One supremo, Bernie Ecclestone, later commented timidly: "What do you want me to do? He's dating my daughter."

What insiders are calling "a swarm" of lawyers have descended on the offices of embattled FIA president, Max Mosley, bearing sworn statements and incriminating photos. The hearing is set for Monday.

Confident Of Victory, O'Moto Signals For The Check

Perhaps inspired by Babe Ruth's famous "Called Shot" home-run, racing gazillionaire P. O'Moto, tested the mettle of his rivals this weekend on the starting grid of the AMA Superbike Showdown at Road Atlanta. After completing a full, rolling, warm-up lap burnout that ended precisely on his pole-position grid square, O'Moto lifted a single finger, as if to say, "Gotta go". The start was delayed as confused race officials, attempting to jump the pitwall and bring a bottle of champagne to the motorsports icon, were stopped then detained by O'Moto's security detail.

"There're a bunch of fast ol' Georgia boys in this race, so I needed to get in their heads a little bit," commented O'Moto from victory circle, sipping the peach brandy he'd discovered in the woods after stopping to relieve himself on lap 4. "I knew it'd worked when Yates killed his motor and Lynn took his helmet off."

"Damn, this stuff is good," slurred O'Moto after what local journalists reported was only his third sip. "Didju see the size of that chicken? Get 'em!"

At press time, Mr. O'Moto's whereabouts are unknown, but unconfirmed reports placed him in a properly-inflated Goodyear inner tube at Lake Lanier's infamous "Cocktail Grotto".

In a related story, Goodyear has just been contracted to provide tires for four Formula 1 teams next year.

Victory Burnout Stuns Art Historians

Following another stunning yet wholly predictable victory at San Marino this weekend, MotoGP's biggest star, P. O'Moto, left a smoking souvenir for the fans gathered at Misano's start/finish line -- a reimagining of Leonardo Da Vinci's "Mono Lisa".

"When I saw all that tire smoke, I thought he was just gonna solve another ol' quadratic equation, like he usually does," said fan club President, Kenny Roberts, Sr. "But then I seen that familiar smirk on Leo's girl and knew we were in for something really special."

Completed in just 45 seconds, the "little doodle" as O'Moto referred to it, is arguably Italy's most important artistic contribution of the last decade. 

"I got a terrible start because our new zipper clutch isn't working quite right," said O'Moto, clutching the Holy Grail he'd uncovered during a brief off-track excursion on the sighting lap. "But after Stoner tumbled off his bike stand and Rossi pulled over to let me pass,  I got inspired and spent the rest of the race doing sketches in my head."

"I like it alright, but it probably would have been a little better had I used a hard rear."

Later this week, a carbon fiber frame will be placed around Italy's newest masterwork, and a chicane will be added to re-route race traffic.

Bridgestone engineers are quickly developing race tires in an array of muted colors.