New Director of Aerodynamics Must Be in Bed by 8:30, Mom Says

Correctly answering nine out of ten questions on your Wednesday morning math quiz usually won't get you a plum assignment in international motorsports. But acing that test after designing a state-of-the-art wind tunnel on a $7.50 budget sure will.

Such is the case for Two Micks Racing's new Director of Aerodynamics, Cameron McCanless. The 8-year old native Georgian, whose father once dropped a 396 Chrysler engine into a Volvo station wagon, is understandably still awed by the all the attention.

"It was just my science project until J.K. Rowling knocked on the door carrying a suitcase full of bottle rockets," said the third grader. "Apparently,  now I have to relocate to Woking. I hope Mom is cool with that."

McCanless's wind tunnel was assembled using salvaged items. The reducer was carefully crafted from discarded boxes and duct tape, a liquor store box with dividers became the air straightener, brazing rods acting as "trampeezes" held the Pinewood Derby test car, and a scale capable of measurements as small as .oo5N(5gf) was fashioned from melamine quadrant and a dry-erase marker.

A discarded box fan provides the "Big 4" wind velocities of 'Low', 'Medium', 'High' and 'Off'.

After emerging victorious from a bloody bidding war with Ferrari and McLaren, Two Mick's Racing chief, Michael McMahon, was all smiles: "The team is thrilled with our newest addition. We expect Cameron to help us win even more races, if that's possible after an undefeated season." 

"Paying him in Skittles and hugs can only help us in this challenging economy," he added.

"The kid is just incredible," chimed in racing's most accomplished throttle stylist, Paddy O'Moto. "Rumor has it he's inviting me to his GoKart-themed birthday party. I hope it's true and not just the press making stuff up again."

Accompanied by his new tutor — recently retired supermodel Bar Rafaeli, McCanless has already ditched class and departed for Two Micks Racing headquarters, according to a team spokesman.

The Nobel Prize in Physics-nomination is expected within the week. He would join O'Moto whose Nobel Prize for Sheer Awesomeness was awarded earlier this year.

Unofficial word from the FIA is that aero tests using McCanless's wind tunnel will be severely restricted unless Ferrari can have one, too.

"Michestone" Tire Combo Helps Clinch F1 Championship

"Paddy O'Moto wants to turn left on Bridgetones and turn right on Michelins. I'm not going to argue with him. Especially in Brazil."

So said Two Micks Racing chief, Michael McMahon, at the post-race press conference when asked how he was able to get the two largest and most competitive racing tire manufacturers to put aside their multi-billion dollar differences and construct cooperative rubber for O'Moto's championship clincher.

Nicknamed "The Bipartisan" by a cynical American press, the multinational tire package featured the best of both companies. The 'Stones were sticky for the lefts; and the Michelins poised on the rights. But the almost sexual chemistry between the tires was not fully realized until the long back straight of Interlagos, where O'Moto's TMR 2008.75 chassis,  topping 340 km/hr in the speed trap, reached a temperature previously thought possible only during a Teddy Pendergrass ballad.

"You know, honestly, with the conditions the way they were late race, I could have won on my lawn mower with the blade down," said the now 9-time World Champion. "The spray was just heinous. I thought they'd put in a lap pool. Still, it was great watching those two CEO's hug like that."

While the stewards will neither officially confirm nor deny the reported mid-race installation  of a swimming pool, local favorite Felipe Massa did finish second in the championship."

"I just want to thank God and my family," said the native Brazilian predictably.

With the 2008 season officially over, multiple world champion O'Moto heads north to defend his Iditarod title, after which he will almost certainly defeat his nephew at a Go-Cart-themed birthday party.

Paddy O'Moto Guts Todd Palin in Snowmobile Race

Frequent, bloody battles with the FIA have soured Paddy O'Moto on politics and its ensuing scrutiny. But in an election year, no one is safe from the media microscope; not even the world's most feared motorsportsman

Such was the case when O'Moto challenged Todd Palin, husband of Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, to a charity snowmobile race. 

"I'd never endorse a candidate unless she promised to eliminate all speed limits," said the current land-speed record holder. "But this guy Todd calls himself the "The First Dude of Alaska". I mean how do you not want to race a guy like that."

With all donations going to MAST (Mothers Against Speed Traps), the nearly 2000 mile competition traced the route of the Itiderod, the grueling, cross-state race that O'Moto and his team of genetically manipulated sled dogs have won a record eight times. (A 9th victory is under appeal.)

"Building a dog for the Itiderod is pretty simple," said Two Micks Racing Design Chief, Jonathan Mills. "We just make their paws bigger."

"But building a snowmobile to run with the likes of "Wolf" Palin took a couple of days,", he continued. "We even worked through lunch once."

The resulting machine was impressive to even the most seasoned of snow carvers. Using a heavily modified Polaris platform, Two Micks Racing engineers installed a 990cc  V-4 power plant capable of spinning up to 17,000 rpm and producing over 250 horsepower. Pirelli provided the tracks and calendars. A coal-fired afterburner made straight line speed a non-issue.

Winning was also non-issue. Two days into the race, O'Moto was three days ahead.

"We added another thousand miles, hoping he'd catch up," said Extreme Sports' newest superstar.  "I figured it'd give me a chance to take some nice panoramic shots and finish teaching that igloo building class."

Having been re-Christened "The Second Dude of Alaska", Todd Palin, in defeat, was gracious: "To be beaten by someone who's never lost is an honor. But I'm sending him back to Europe with some of my venison jerky. And since you can't make jerky fast, I know I've got that on him."

At press time, development of Paddy O'Moto's 9000-horsepower dehydrator, "The Big Jerk", was months ahead of schedule.

Equatorial Burnout Visible from Space

Fresh off his wins at Laguna Seca and the United Nations, motorsport luminary, Paddy O'Moto, celebrated another victory by circumnavigating the globe in history's first (and likely only) complete equatorial victory burnout. 

Starting and ending in the small, copper-exporting town of Macap
á, Brazil where he had decimated the field in the State Mining Car Finals, O'Moto's smoky celebration covered nearly 25,000 miles. Only a brief detour south to rekindle a relationship with Brazilian supermodel Ana Beatriz Barros, kept him from finishing in under 250 hours.

"I use the mining car events to improve my braking awareness," said P-Moto, as he's referred to by the hipper kids in some inner city neighborhoods. "You can only late-brake so much when there's a half mile of blackness under your wheels."

A 1969 Bultaco "El Bandido" 350, graciously made available by a local farmer, was used to create the earth-circling rubber smear. 

"It runs better now than it did when I lent him the dern thing," the farmer said in Portuguese. 

Logistics were handled with the precision expected of Two Mick's Racing. Playing the role of blocker was Minister of Foreign Affairs, Cary Savas, who either secured the necessary visas or rammed the border crossings. Warning shots from various navies were wholly ignored. Packs of cheetahs were routinely dusted during the Africa leg. And O'Moto himself made turkey sandwiches with his left hand so has not to disturb the machinations of his right. 

Tire smoke delayed air traffic in both hemispheres, but surfers in several coastal regions reported then appreciated low-level tsunamis.

A chorus of unapprised skepticism regarding the feat groundswelled in freshman engineering classes worldwide. However, it was ruthlessly shushed by Two Micks Racing's Technical Director, Bart Stebbins: "We'll call it an unofficial tire test. The wet Belgian Grand Prix this year was nearly disastrous because we came close to not even lapping the field. So since Spa, we've been working with Bridgestone on a proprietary tread pattern. We've named it "Red Tread",  and let's just say it displaces a heckuva lot of water."

Less concerned about the plausibility of the achievement was noted activist, Sierra Love who likened "this catastrophe" to "permanent marker on a recycled hemp skirt" and "bacon in my quinoa." 

China, whose Great Wall previously held the distinction of being "the only man made object visible from space", has threatened to censor next year's Chinese Grand Prix.

Paddy O'Moto moves on to Fuji this weekend where he hopes to take the Japanese Grand Prix  for a record 8th time.

Emergency Session of U.N. Velocity Council Convened

A dazzling, unprecedented string of victories for Paddy O'Moto has forced an emergency meeting of the United Nations Velocity Council. 

The undefeatable racing paladin took wins this weekend at three circuits on two continents. First up was Singapore, where O'Moto used a proprietary battery of Maglights to vanquish his competitors at Formula One's first ever night race. He skipped the press conference and hopped a ferry to Motegi for the Japanese Grand Prix, but stormy seas and a paparazzi ambush forced him to start the race two laps down. Luckily, Goodyear's experimental 'roof tar' compound gave him the extra grip to not only catch his MotoGP rivals but make a stunning last lap pass on the brakes. One Red Bull-fueled flight and police chase later saw him arrive at storied Laguna Seca for the AMA Superbike Finale, where a mid-race nap almost almost cost him the victory.

"I love my country and all, but hearing your national anthem that many times in a day can get really tedious," said the surprisingly alert horsepower icon. "Now I can't get the darn song out of my head. I think I'm going to become a citizen of the Rolling Stones."

But O'Moto's spectacular hat-trick of victories raised eyebrows in the halls of bureaucratic power. The U.N. Velocity Council — last convened when Sterling Moss trounced popular World Champion, Juan Manuel Fangio, by nearly half an hour at the 1955 Mille Miglia — is currently gathered in a closed-door emergency session discussing the possibility of voting on a resolution that will clearly outline their intention of handing the matter over to a committee who will debate the merits of issuing a statement to confirm that they are considering the idea of addressing the matter formally. 

U.N. Velocity Council representatives from the permanent member countries of Italy, Italy, Italy, Brazil, Great Britain, Brazil, Spain, Italy, Mario Andretti and Italy had not returned calls at press time.

High Speed Chase Ends With Autographs, Hugs

In what producers of 'World's Wildest Police Videos' are calling the "fastest, most daring high speed chase on record and an absolute ratings bonanza", motorsport supernova, Paddy O'Moto, today led state & local law enforcement officers on a wildly expeditious pursuit that regularly exceeded 200 miles per hour.

"Fall colors are prettier when they're blurry," said O'Moto, a noted collector of Impressionist art. "But I only topped out at 220 'cuz my Michelins started smoking like a soccer mom at Burning Man. For my next felony endangerment charge, I'll be running Bridgestones." 

Very late for the opening practice session of the AMA Superbike finale at Laguna Seca, Paddy O'Moto used a Two Micks Racing-tuned Bugatti Veyron to outwit his gun-toting rivals. Making the feat even more remarkable is our knowledge that O'Moto had just flown in from Singapore, where he'd used an in-house developed, g-force certified night vision goggle package to qualify on pole for Formula One's very first night race. 

Reportedly assisted with driving directions by a blind local disc jockey, Mr. O'Moto's twisting, turning escape route from the Petaluma Municipal Airport to the front gates of Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca covered more than 230 miles, some of them upside down. 

"When I saw those National Guard tanks inside the Caldicot Tunnel, I figured I needed to test the new down-force package we've been working on since Catalunya," said Paddy. "It wasn't flawless anti-gravity execution, but I did high-five that gunman in his turret." 

Upon arriving in pastoral Salinas, Paddy was greeted surprisingly not with pepper spray and shotguns, but with popping flashbulbs and gushing lawmen. "We're not going to arrest him because he stopped at every school crossing and gave such high praise to our California roads," said CHiP spokesperson E. Estrada. "You can't buy that kind of publicity."

Only O'Moto's right foot was photographed and fingerprinted, leaving his hands free to sign autographs. 

"I had to hitchhike down here to see this," said Jamal Berkeley, whose new Ducati 1098R had been politely commandeered by O'Moto mid-chase. "What a cool guy, he even got it detailed for me."

Using the bone stock, Italian streetbike, O'Moto shattered the Laguna Seca track record on his second lap of the session.

In a late-breaking and related story, French tire giant Michelin declared bankruptcy and is currently waving the white flag of debt relief.

O'Moto Even Winning the Rat Race

Sources close to 'the Man' reveal exclusively to this web log that international racing gigastar, Paddy O'Moto, has pulled out a substantial lead in the allegorical, yet highly competitive, Rat

Race.

Once the exclusive domain of young, scrupleless lawyers and vapid but earnest advertising executives, the world's most celebrated motorsport stylist is now burning a smoking rubber stripe across the pasty flanks of professional professionals everywhere. And while no qualitative measurement exists for this type of competition, they say Paddy O'Moto has gone farther faster than anyone since John F. Kennedy. 

The national T.H.E.Y. spokesperson, I.M. Inahuri, issued the following official statement from his alternate Blackberry, although he was extremely busy: 

"While our bylaws prevent us from ever declaring an actual winner, Mr. O'Moto's recent accomplishments have exceeded even those of that one guy who made partner before he was 25. Just last week, while shouting instructions to his broker who was strapped to the hood selling AIG stock short, Paddy was able to grab pole position for the Camping World RV 400 at Dover International Speedway; all the while successfully lobbying Congress to table their vote on decreasing the interstate speed limit. The fact that he used his cool-down lap to instant message his tire preferences to the Bridgestone engineers in Singapore made it very clear to us that this kid  is on the fast track to success."

Mr. O'Moto, who was picking up his girlfriend's kids from soccer practice and unavailable for comment, soon hopes to set an unbreakable lap record around the vicious circle.

MotoGP Champion Dominates Regional Unicycle Competition

Confirming his mastery on any number of wheels, iconic race hero, Paddy O'Moto, stamped a big 'P' onto the forehead of unicyclists worldwide. 

Just days after securing an entirely expected victory at the inaugural Red Bull Indianapolis Grand Prix, the world's reigning motorcycle champion found himself stranded in a cornfield just outside of Owensboro, KY, his ethanol-powered megajet unresponsive to the local brew.

"The refined corn we use to fuel our engines usually has a lot more melted butter in it," said Two Micks Racing technical director and noted foodie, Bart "The Troubadour" Stebbins. "These Mid-Westerners are on some kind of health kick or something."

With his departure delayed and his fourth autobiography just hitting bookstore shelves, P. O'Moto elected to train for this weekend's first Formula One night race by entering the regional qualifier for the State Unicycle Championship. Open to all ages, the local one-wheel race has been the highlight of the Daviess County Fair since 1822.

Utilizing the vast resources of Two Micks Engineering, O'Moto not only decimated his newly embittered rivals (some carrying children and picnic baskets) but also performed the first ever unicycle wheelie, a feat previously and subsequently thought to be impossible.

Former winner and local hero, Nicky Hayden, grinned but was unavailable for comment.

O'Moto Breaks Lap Record In Pace Car, As Passenger

With his race car held captive in pit lane by a jilted, bitter Gisele Bundchen -- yet another supermodel refusing to remove herself from his cockpit on race day -- motorsport superlegend, P. O'Moto, was forced to hitch a ride in the AMG Mercedes pace car for the sighting lap of this weekend's Italian Grand Prix at Monza.

Hanging half of his chiseled body from the moonroof of the race-prepped SL 63 and waving selflessly to his legion of Italian fans, O'Moto still managed to shout instructions to his driver -- local UPS standout, Max Biaggi. By squaring off the last corner and then drafting a stationary Giancarlo Fisichella who had stalled on the grid, O'Moto and Biaggi were able to shave 6/100th off the lap record. No easy feat in the rain.

"I won the World Rally Championship a couple of times way back when," said O'Moto, laughing all the way to the bank. "My navigation skills are underestimated, much to the detriment of my rivals."

Biaggi, a former four-time 250 motorcycle Grand Prix champion and Driver-of-the-Month award winner (February '05) was thrilled to be part of the historic day. "For sure, I'm excited Mr. O'Moto was able to set this record at my home track," exclaimed the Rome native. "But better for me and my family, he wants me to be his regular chauffeur now."

O'Moto has promised to replicate the feat at next week's Singapore Grand Prix.

"With my hands free, I can text my qualifying time to the NASCAR boys," he said. "Should save me a trip."

O'Moto Appeals Victory; Demands Entire Podium

No one can be sure whether it was the torrential rain or his rivals' bitter tears that pounded the storied tarmac of Monza last Sunday, as Italy's favorite adopted stepson, P. O'Moto, not only displaced hundreds of gallons of water per lap but casually dispatched the dreams of the other championship contenders.

Yet the treacherously wet conditions weren't the biggest story of the weekend. Rather, it was Paddy O'Moto's landmark appeal of his win that made above-the-fold headlines around the world -- an appeal that demanded he occupy not only the top step of the podium but tiers two and three, as well. 

Having lapped the "2nd" place finisher for the fourth time, O'Moto disintegrated his new TMR-2008.5 while performing the first-ever victory 'stoppie', resulting in his special carbon-pasta chassis crossing the start/finish line in three distinct pieces. The resulting debris caused a black flag, preventing any of the other competitors from finishing.

"I lost my left pinky in the crash," said an obviously irritated O'Moto. "So, technically I should get 4th place, too. It's a no-brainer."

Formula One supremo, Bernie Ecclestone, later commented timidly: "What do you want me to do? He's dating my daughter."

What insiders are calling "a swarm" of lawyers have descended on the offices of embattled FIA president, Max Mosley, bearing sworn statements and incriminating photos. The hearing is set for Monday.

Confident Of Victory, O'Moto Signals For The Check

Perhaps inspired by Babe Ruth's famous "Called Shot" home-run, racing gazillionaire P. O'Moto, tested the mettle of his rivals this weekend on the starting grid of the AMA Superbike Showdown at Road Atlanta. After completing a full, rolling, warm-up lap burnout that ended precisely on his pole-position grid square, O'Moto lifted a single finger, as if to say, "Gotta go". The start was delayed as confused race officials, attempting to jump the pitwall and bring a bottle of champagne to the motorsports icon, were stopped then detained by O'Moto's security detail.

"There're a bunch of fast ol' Georgia boys in this race, so I needed to get in their heads a little bit," commented O'Moto from victory circle, sipping the peach brandy he'd discovered in the woods after stopping to relieve himself on lap 4. "I knew it'd worked when Yates killed his motor and Lynn took his helmet off."

"Damn, this stuff is good," slurred O'Moto after what local journalists reported was only his third sip. "Didju see the size of that chicken? Get 'em!"

At press time, Mr. O'Moto's whereabouts are unknown, but unconfirmed reports placed him in a properly-inflated Goodyear inner tube at Lake Lanier's infamous "Cocktail Grotto".

In a related story, Goodyear has just been contracted to provide tires for four Formula 1 teams next year.

Victory Burnout Stuns Art Historians

Following another stunning yet wholly predictable victory at San Marino this weekend, MotoGP's biggest star, P. O'Moto, left a smoking souvenir for the fans gathered at Misano's start/finish line -- a reimagining of Leonardo Da Vinci's "Mono Lisa".

"When I saw all that tire smoke, I thought he was just gonna solve another ol' quadratic equation, like he usually does," said fan club President, Kenny Roberts, Sr. "But then I seen that familiar smirk on Leo's girl and knew we were in for something really special."

Completed in just 45 seconds, the "little doodle" as O'Moto referred to it, is arguably Italy's most important artistic contribution of the last decade. 

"I got a terrible start because our new zipper clutch isn't working quite right," said O'Moto, clutching the Holy Grail he'd uncovered during a brief off-track excursion on the sighting lap. "But after Stoner tumbled off his bike stand and Rossi pulled over to let me pass,  I got inspired and spent the rest of the race doing sketches in my head."

"I like it alright, but it probably would have been a little better had I used a hard rear."

Later this week, a carbon fiber frame will be placed around Italy's newest masterwork, and a chicane will be added to re-route race traffic.

Bridgestone engineers are quickly developing race tires in an array of muted colors.

Two Micks Racing mulls jet purchase

Two Micks Racing, the commercial, developmental, promotional and spiritual arm of motorsport uberstar P. O'Moto's global racing empire, is said to be considering the addition of another jet to its fleet. Already possessing an  impressive collection worthy of its own regional airline, Two Micks Racing has long been rumored to be in the market for a plane that will carry its other planes.

"We're negotiating with the French to be the first private owner of the new Airbus B1GA55," team CEO, Michael "The Irish Hand Grenade" McMahon confirmed from his office on the top floor of the world's tallest building. "Not only will it carry all of our racing machinery, it has a special lead-lined workshop that will allow our team of engineers to continue development of the NuclearDiesel hybrid rotary engine we are preparing for next year's 24 Hours of Le Mans."

In addition to the hangar-sized storage area and garage, the special order jet is believed to contain a three-level nightclub, Pink Berry stand and a faithful replica of Enzo Ferrari's office.

"If the French surrender it on time, I'll land her on the front straight at Magny-Cours right before we grid up for the French GP," said McMahon hopefully. "Who knows if they'll finish. We'll probably have to build it ourselves."

Dreams crushed at local playground

Little Johnny Sneed won't be pursuing his dreams of becoming an AMA roadracing champion and has sullenly retrieved his clarinet from its dusty, abandoned case. This after a surprise visit to Floyd McCanless, Jr. Memorial Park by international racing megastar, P. O'Moto. 

"I began my career on spring rider playground toys," said the current F1, MotoGP, World Superbike, World Rally, and Monster Truck champion. "I don't want to discourage the kiddies, but reality is like getting bitten by your dog.  It's inevitable and it always leaves a mark."

Johnny was not as philosophical, as his goal of one day claiming a Superbike title was dashed by O'Moto's astonishing display of bouncy skills. "I was, like, the best here for the last two summers. But Mr. O'Moto rode that Panda like it wasn't even endangered. I'm going home."

"My spring-awareness is a skill I don't take lightly," said P, signing autographs for Sneed's former fans. "It's definitely part of my weekly training regimen."

Sadly for Little Johnny Sneed, O'Moto's Grammy-winning album of clarinet concertos has just been re-mastered and released to universal critical acclaim.

*No pandas were injured in the writing of this article.

O'Moto puts pit bike on front row at San Marino Grand Prix

After crashing his #1 and #2 bikes in the Saturday stunt show, P. O'Moto used his girlfriend's bone-stock '59 Lambreta TV175 to hold off all but two of his bitter rivals in the fight for pole position at this weekend's MotoGP San Marino Grand Prix at Misano.

"I'd yanked this horn mono up the front straight when one of Adriana's heels got caught in the rear brake rotor," said O'Moto, pausing for a sip of Red Bull Moto, the energy drink released this week to much fanfare. "When she did it again, I told her she couldn't ride with me anymore. Thankfully, she let me borrow her scooter for qualifying while she was getting checked out at the Clinica Mobile."

P would have had pole had he not suffered an uncharacteristic wobble coming out of Tramonto, the hairpin leading onto the back straight. "I got on it a little early," he said. "I like to get the wheel spinning right there, but when the threads are showing like they have been for the last few months, you really have to just let it do what's it's gonna do."

The long-shuttered Lambretta factory has quickly re-opened and is scrambing to fill orders from various unnamed MotoGP teams.

Ms. Lima is recovering from heel replacement surgery.

Radical new front wing allows first ever F1 victory wheelie

The long front straight at Monza will never be the same after P. O'Moto performed the first ever wheelie in a Formula One car, crossing the start/finish line on two wheels and nearly three laps clear of his nearest rival.

"It was pretty cool," O'Moto stated, succinctly and brilliantly, holding court in his triple-wide RV that usually requires the exclusive use of two lanes of freeway traffic.

And pretty cool it was. Taking spare parts from an old window air conditioning unit he found at one of his many rental properties, O'Moto worked closely with his aero crew to design a wing that had eluded the top minds at Ferrari and McLaren for decades. 

"Simple stuff actually," P yawned. "Once we bought a new fan belt and turned the dial to 'Recirculate', it pretty much took care of itself.

At press time, Trane and EnergyWise are in a heated bidding war for sponsorship rights to the new wing.

Da Vinci designs the Two Micks Racing logo posthumously

And he did it for free. Just wanted a photo credit on our website. Said it was an early St. Patrick's Day present.

Silly Season Even Sillier for a Racer with My Skills

Relaxing after winning the inaugural F1 Grand Prix of Valencia by 30 seconds, it struck me how scary this time of the year is for racers possessing lesser skills than I. Here I am, sipping a '72 Chateauneuf du Pape (that's 1872) in the section of my ten thousand acre backyard that is a full-scale replica of Monaco, and wondering what World Championships next year will be graced by my otherworldly grasp of throttle, brake, apex and umbrella girl. My manager fills my inbox daily with pleading invitations from Ferrari, McClaren, Yamaha and Lloyd's HVAC Dirt Track Warriors. But what about the mid-packers? They'll be lucky enough to line up on one grid next year, let alone 5, like I plan to do. And knowing that no team will commit to another driver/rider until I have made my decision, the other guys are stuck waiting, missing testing, and missing mortgage payments. 

Still, I have to do what's right for me and my organization. You know us as Two Micks Racing. We call it The Bank

Gotta run. Ron Dennis is dropping off his wife and a suitcase full of cash.

More later.