Emergency Session of U.N. Velocity Council Convened

A dazzling, unprecedented string of victories for Paddy O'Moto has forced an emergency meeting of the United Nations Velocity Council. 

The undefeatable racing paladin took wins this weekend at three circuits on two continents. First up was Singapore, where O'Moto used a proprietary battery of Maglights to vanquish his competitors at Formula One's first ever night race. He skipped the press conference and hopped a ferry to Motegi for the Japanese Grand Prix, but stormy seas and a paparazzi ambush forced him to start the race two laps down. Luckily, Goodyear's experimental 'roof tar' compound gave him the extra grip to not only catch his MotoGP rivals but make a stunning last lap pass on the brakes. One Red Bull-fueled flight and police chase later saw him arrive at storied Laguna Seca for the AMA Superbike Finale, where a mid-race nap almost almost cost him the victory.

"I love my country and all, but hearing your national anthem that many times in a day can get really tedious," said the surprisingly alert horsepower icon. "Now I can't get the darn song out of my head. I think I'm going to become a citizen of the Rolling Stones."

But O'Moto's spectacular hat-trick of victories raised eyebrows in the halls of bureaucratic power. The U.N. Velocity Council — last convened when Sterling Moss trounced popular World Champion, Juan Manuel Fangio, by nearly half an hour at the 1955 Mille Miglia — is currently gathered in a closed-door emergency session discussing the possibility of voting on a resolution that will clearly outline their intention of handing the matter over to a committee who will debate the merits of issuing a statement to confirm that they are considering the idea of addressing the matter formally. 

U.N. Velocity Council representatives from the permanent member countries of Italy, Italy, Italy, Brazil, Great Britain, Brazil, Spain, Italy, Mario Andretti and Italy had not returned calls at press time.